Old People

We cherish our youth.

With each passing year, we become older and, as morbid as it may sound, inch closer to that big kingdom in the sky (or the fire pit below--I don't know your life). Immortality is fiction and this disconcerts us. As we age, we try to stay ahead of the curb and as we near the end, we merely try to "keep up with the Joneses" and not fall behind the pack. However, if you're doing any of the things below, you're significantly impeding your effort:

• Adding a gratuitous "the" to prefix social networking sites. If you refer to Twitter and Facebook as "THE Facebook" and "THE Twitter," you have no business mentioning them. Deduct points for trying to use youthful lexicon.
• When giving someone the URL of a website, you begin with "www." Presumably, any site on the internet is a part of the world wide web. If you're attempting to show off your technical savvy by stating that you hit up "www.(insert site here)," deduct points.
• Talking on the phone as though you're in a room of wild boars. For the record, phones come with a voice amplifying apparatus, so you don't have to project your voice. Deduct points. Moreover, if you still use a bluetooth...you know the drill.
• Starching your jeans/slacks to the point to where they can practically walk by themselves. You shouldn't even own Sta-Flo, but if you're going to use it, use it sparingly. Oh yeah, deduct double points if you've ever been cut by the seam of your jeans.
• Referring to any casino (regardless of its physical location or design) as "the boat." Deduct triple points because that's just country.
• Writing checks at the grocery store checkout counter. This is a personal pet peeve of mine, as checks function the same as a debit card. You're slowing down the line. Deduct quadruple points.

This list isn't inclusive of everything that makes us "young folk" shake our heads at you. But if you heed my advice and, henceforth, make the necessary adjustments, I assure you that you'll seem that much cooler.

I regret to inform you, though: If you don't know how to send a text message, then you're a hopeless case and any efforts to help you would be futile...

..so enjoy your remaining years!